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Millions will shiver at the thought of this question but underneath the crevasse in our homes, our daughters, housemaids, and female relatives are being abused by their dads; uncles, brothers, in-laws, and any male figure with access and the “trust” card on their part.
The summary reason why our daughters, female relatives, and housemaids are sexually abused in our homes is simply tied to the way we (male figures in their world) see and judge them. We see them as our extensions and like properties and items they are designed for our use and pleasure. Pitiful but that is the mindset of every such abuser in the home.
I conducted a poll on LinkedIn on the above subject matter.
Question: Why are daughters or female helpers sexually abused in our homes/ family units. the results from 245 votes and over 10,500 views were:
Trust abused by such men. 33%
The vow or pledge of secrecy. 6%
Financial threatings by men. 13%
Ownership mindset by such men. 49%
Our daughters and women are often abused by those closest to them. This is painful but it is a common reality in many homes.
We may pretend it is far from us. We may choose to look the other way. This however does not cover up the cries, anxieties, pain, forced abortions, mental health struggles our daughters face by the damage inflicted on them by the “trusted” men in their world.
We gently excuse the damage done and admit the “lame” excuses given by the perpetrators. We always find ourselves as a community on the perpetrator's side and rarely with the victims. We are secretly damaging and wreaking havoc on the persons of women and daughters.
Dads and male figures with no restrictions
I have heard many dads say: “ What is she hiding. I bathed and dressed her up as a child”; “I have a rule in my house: no one locks their door. I must have access at all times to all rooms in my house. I am dad”; “How dare you think I will sexually abuse my daughter or relative because we sleep overnight on the same bed?”.
A silent but growing majority will say “They are right. It is not in our place to judge”. We play dead to obvious abuse. We act “dumb” to red alerts/signs that say, “that is the environment for abuse to thrive”. We ignore the obvious signals when such dads and male figures speak about their all-access interactions with their daughters, female relatives and house helps.
Dads and every male figure, please wake up to the truth. Your daughter is grown up and you stopped giving her birth and dressing her up as a child. Your daughter is now her own person with how she feels about herself and that includes the privacy of her body.
Many dads and male figures will say they adore their daughters, female relatives living under their roofs and respect their housemaids, yet they never seem to see anything wrong with sexually abusing them. We are breaking their spirits, destroying their trust, building within them hatred and bitterness and we excuse our acts by saying “it is consensual”. We have thrown natural decency and common sense to the pigs.
This wickedness is shockingly seen as normal by many in our communities. We never discuss the topic. It is seen as an “in-family” affair and that attitude continues to protect the abusive dads, in-laws, uncles, or any other male abusive figure in the lives of our daughters, female relatives, and housemaids.
Men, what are we teaching our boys, future men, and husbands? What have we allowed ourselves to become? Sexual abuse of our daughters, female relatives, and housemaids is a pandemic but it fits the awful narrative of “ownership” to men. The voices of our daughters, female relatives, and housemaids are silenced by fear, our threats, coercion, financial favours, our promise to “change”. We are manipulative, devious, and actually careless for the welfare of our daughters, female relatives, and housemaids.
The secret excuse we give ourselves is that: “We own then”; “they will not have any future without us”, “We are their only true financial support in life”, “they have no one else to turn to for help” etc.
Ownership mindset
Why would anyone think that violating the persons of their daughters, housemaids, or female relatives is normal? Well, we excuse that barbaric practice by saying “They belong to us, and we are at liberty to do to them sexually as we please”; “Every man does it to the females under his roof and it does no one any harm” etc.
Man, no woman and that includes your daughter, female relative, housemaid, and your wife is yours. They are not and will never be your properties. They are persons with unique and endearing gifts in life.
We don’t own anyone even if we are financially responsible for them. For our daughters, we are their guardians, tutors, mentors, coaches, and trusted confidants. That is a privileged position we must cherish and not abuse. We must see our female relatives and housemaid who live under our roofs in a privileged position to make a difference in their lives. It is a superb opportunity to speak value, strength, and excellence to their persons.
We must become a memory for good and not one of pain and secrecy in the hearts of the women in our homes. We must never accept any narrative that excuses our abuse. Never. That is not our natural design. It is wrong, harmful, destructive, and evil.
Now, I will not be surprised if a pseudo-science expert comes up with new reasoning that explains this as “natural” for some men. They will give it a label and treat it as a disease rather than the man’s choice. They will attempt to use DNA, family history, personality propensities, etc to argue on the side of the perpetrator.
As a man, we are dead wrong, and no reason is viable, “scientific” or “assumed” to excuse the abuse of our daughters, female relatives, and housemaids living under our care.
Self-centred mindset
We are always focused on ourselves. Our interests, our weaknesses, and our excuses. We never give it a thought what pain and anguish we unleash into the lives of our daughters, female relatives, and housemaids when we sexually abuse them. We always expect the world to revolve around us and our narratives.
We don’t have to have experienced abuse to understand and appreciate the disaster we introduce into other people’s life’s when we abuse them. Our daughters and every female living under our roof are always negatively affected. They are wrecked emotionally, many suffer panic and anxiety attacks, their confidence is driven out of them, we make them uncertain about the meaning of the words “care and trust” in relationships.
We must look away from ourselves to see the truth, value, and significance of our daughters and every female under our care. They are gifted with life, and we must see it as a privilege to have them in our care and influence.
As men, a contrary and derogatory narrative for abuse include:
We are a law to ourselves.
Nothing really matters. We only live once.
There is no “right” or “wrong” in life. It’s relative.
No one is available to help me through my own “mess”.
The present trajectory of abuse of our daughters and females under our care, in our homes, is frightening. We are in a crisis but unfortunately, we nurse and cover these agonising sores with activities, charitable undertakings, religious engagements.
As men, we must be open to the truths about abuse. We must allow truth and love to change the horrible machinations of our thought life and actions. We must decide on a new path to genuinely care and champion the well-being of our daughters and every female under our care.
We must understand that it is only when we engrain love in the hearts of daughters and the females in our care . that is when we begin trustworthy and healthy relationships.
The cure for this malaise includes:
Love
When love is absent; abuse takes centre stage, and it will destroy the unique personalities of those involved.
Love is not blind. While love will celebrate the liberty and freedoms of our persons, it will however insist on the scrutiny of our choices.
Love is never abusive or manipulative. Many confuse lust, for love. While lust is self-centred, love seeks the welfare of another. We must begin to see our daughters through the lenses of truth.
Nothing about being a daughter or housemaid is a mistake.
They are not accidents.
They are gifted and designed for greatness.
They are precious and unique in life.
Healthy information consumption
It is important as men we look into where we consume information. Until we change our minds, our actions will become more depraved towards our daughters and every female in our world.
Our history is full of erroneous beliefs that say: daughters have no significance in life. Unfortunately, many still perpetuate this delusion today.
Many men still see their daughters as bad luck and a lifetime disappointment. Others see their daughters and the female relatives in their care as future assets to be traded. When daughters and the females under our care are seen as financial instruments, we make wrong judgments about their persons and life choices.
We must be careful who we give access to our minds. Some intentionally will sprinkle degrading ideologies in their workbooks, films, etc. In our minds, these are seeds that left uncheck will frame our opinions for life. It will shock you to know that we are more prone to certain ideals than we are willing to accept.
We must always remind ourselves and accept this truth about our daughters, female relatives, and housemaids- they are unbelievably unique persons, gifted with life and a future to engage their talents in.
Accountability
We must be sincere and wise enough as men to admit and seek help to stop the beginning of any abuse in our homes. We must not assume we are okay when all indicators tell us we are on the pathway of beginning abuse.
Because you care enough as a dad, uncle, or employer, abuse must not be allowed to rear their heads in our homes or relationships. Change begins with us. Our attitudes and beliefs must be held to the truth.
We can no longer claim ignorance for this shame.
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