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Hearing any teenage daughter say "I am pregnant" can be a nightmare situation for any parent or guardian. The shock, disbelief, shame, anger, bewilderment, and the sense of "failure" produced by this news can be overwhelming to any guardian or parent. This announcement has the effect of bringing our world to a temporary standstill.
This news, like an unannounced visitor in the dead of the night, can be deeply unsettling, treacherous, and destructive for any parent or guardian who is caught off guard.
This announcement instantly creates a multitude of emotions and reactions.
Everything initially appears bleak but that is just a deceptive outward appearance to confuse and to imprison the minds of our daughters and everyone connected with her. It is a disguise and a lie attempting to take the place of truth in our daughter's life and ours.
The news " I am pregnant" from your teenage daughter means that, with some anxiety, uncertainty, and concern, she is informing you she has decided or was forced to take a different pathway to fulfil her life purpose. That is exactly what this news means. It is not a hiccup.
Pregnancy should not be seen as a full stop to our daughters pursuing and achieving their dreams and aspirations in life. Our daughters all need reminding that there are still many pathways available to them in life to achieve their life dreams alongside caring for a child or giving the child up for adoption.
We all have the responsibility to ensure our pregnant teenage daughters are well informed. They should be made aware of would-be changes like early morning issues, tiredness, dizziness, spitting, and for such, there are medical professionals to assist her in her journey.
It is also advisable to prepare them for a worldview that is uncaring, unhelpful, and dismissive of their ever amounting to anything in life because f their pregnancy.
As parents or guardians, we remain our daughter's first line of defense. The world out there has its description and prescription for her pregnancy. We must adopt Love's attitude at all times and especially now to our daughters.
Love
Love is not a careless, mindless acceptance of our daughter’s flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings. Love is our unconditional acceptance of who she is- our daughter. In the true sense of its meaning, love it's an "outlandish care" for someone beyond the expectations or requirements of the beneficiary, in this case, our daughter.
Our attitudes to such news are not always loving but one that borders on the side of disappointment, disbelief, and dismay. Our negative attitudes are often translated into hurtful and angry words, and our decisions soon get clouded by the "weight" of the news.
What initially transpires most times is that we care more for everything and everyone but our daughter. We are concerned about her education, the talk of family members, our positions and image in the religious community, who will raise the baby, the financial implications. Our thoughts regrettably leave our daughters outside the door of our thinking process.
We still do not fully appreciate the meaning of the word "daughter". The word "daughter" is often taken very lightly because we are ignorant of the depth and weight of the word "daughter".
When you are the parent or guardian to a girl (born or adopted), she is your outshining. She is not an extension of your person neither is she your retirement plan. She is your outshining. She is your daughter. A person you love and will go the extra mile for.
This, I would guess, would be Love's initial advice to any parent or guardian receiving such news from their teenage daughter. : Hug her immediately.
Our open and outstretched arms do the following:
It immediately creates an environment of acceptance and love.
It addresses any negative fear or shame she felt about herself.
It swiftly takes away from her any panic response she might have contemplated like committing suicide, running away with her partner, killing the unborn child.
Our love will disarm our daughter's fears and provide us with a clearer and calmer process to address the issue at stake. Love is such a unique force that its actions may first appear to be unreasonable and unwise but its results are rich, bold, and empowering.
Love gradually recreates and restores the garden in our daughters’ hearts. Love transforms what initially was our daughter's parched heart of fear into a hopeful, confident, and reassured heart.
Words
You have expressed your unconditional love to your daughter. You have embraced and calmed her fears. You are now in a place to immediately commit yourself to her. Your daughter needs to hear you reassure her by your words.
Our words may be simple but they must be crystal clear in meaning. Our daughter must be certain beyond any doubt or future occurrence, that we will always be by their side through thick and thin. She would need this reassurance repeatedly even in situations when we "lose" it. We will sometimes during this journey.
Your words must be helpful; supportive and comforting at this moment.
This is not the time for many words. No. Not for lectures or sharp rebukes like: “ What!!!” or “This is what happens when you refuse to listen!”
This is not the time for silence either. No silent treatment!!! Not here; not now and not later either.
What can you say to your daughter immediately?
“Princess; come over here”
“My world gets better with you in it”
“Angel; we will get through this together. I love you”
“Love; please come and sit beside me”
“Honey; people will always have their opinions. Your life is not at a standstill. I am with you all the way”
“My daughter; who you are remains the same to me. You are my daughter and I will always love you”
“My love; you will always come first before people's opinion of you or me”
It is also important that you also learn to speak to yourself. This is not the time for self-blame.
Bury the thoughts of "I was not attentive enough", "I should have seen this coming", "This happened because I did not give enough attention and love to her". Stop. Please stop. We cannot live their lives for them even if we attempt to make that our full-time job.
It is so easy to fall into the trap of making ourselves responsible for everything our children do. Self-blame, in this case, is disempowering, meaningless and unfruitful. While we are careful and intentional in our words with our daughters, we must apply the same rule to ourselves.
We must never allow or excuse ourselves to belittle ourselves with "I am a bad parent", "I am a failure. I could not even care for my only daughter.", "I failed in the most important job, life assigned me". Please stop. These words will open and handcuff you to hopelessness and despair.
Re-examine her friendship groups and relationships.
Professional advisers, counselors can be great, but you will need to be selective. Your daughter may or may not require their help or support.
Your conversations will show you if there is a need for external support outside the normal baby-mum checks and support from midwives and other health professionals.
Do you know anyone you should protect your daughter from?
There are people whose views will bring confusion and despair to your daughter if they are allowed in her space or if their voices go unchallenged by you. Not everyone means well even by their "good" intentions. People's religious understanding, culture, traditional norms, and lived experiences will inform their views about your daughter's teenage pregnancy.
The views listed below like so many others require our immediate attention. It is healthy we address these in our conversations with our daughters to prepare them for what may not seem obvious to them. These words will be directed at her in various public and private interactions:
“You are a failure”
“Your life is going to take a downward turn”
“You’ve blown any chance to achieve your dreams”
“What got into you? Now you are in a mess”
This is the result of failing to listen to wise instructions.
You always behaved like you were smart and could handle yourself. This is the result.
We would also need to protect our daughters from the actions of many:
Many will no longer want her company even some of her close friends will cut her off.
Many family members will no longer welcome her into their homes, even “very close” family members
Many will deselect her from their social media platforms. If that was all, great. No. A gossip campaign would likely ensue.
A close friend once said to me "A companion of fools will be destroyed". We must help guard and preserve the minds of our daughters by giving them the true perspective of their worth even in their pregnant state. Let them know that:
A new life will be born.
She is carrying the life of another unique person in her.
Her fears will not evaporate but with love and wisdom, she will remain on course to fulfilling her dreams and that of her yet-to-be-born child.
Give it time.
Everything worthwhile in life requires time. This situation will require the element of time.
This is not the time for wishful thinking. We must recognise that this event is a marathon that will cover more than the next nine months of our daughter’s life.
She will need us during this journey and some things will have to change or be adjusted to accommodate her new state.
In conclusion, we must never allow people or systems to determine our LOVE actions and decisions for our daughters. We all have the unique responsibility and privilege to interrupt the devious schemes of fear and anxiety in the lives of our daughters.
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Thank you for this great information