I can't have children. Why is this a woman's dilemma?

Childlessness remains an uncomfortable topic and in many communities and institutions (cultural and religious) it is sometimes seen as an “evil spell” within the marital relationship.

It is the “take your legs off the dining table” subject in many families and communities. A taboo subject that must never be imagined or discussed.

“I can’t have children” is rarely discussed in any family or community conversations. It is seen as inexcusable and a disgusting stain on the woman and the standing of the man in the community.

“I can’t have children” is only heard in whispers and conversations within the enclosed walls of counsellors and medical professionals.

“I can’t have children” is a taboo in many communities. It is a subject that evokes shame, despair, anxiety and even the threat of divorce or separation and in some extreme cases, the threat to a woman’s life in some communities.

We pride ourselves on being modern, civilised and informed but betray our ignorance and stupidity, in our dealings with couples and especially women who are childless.

It is not out of place to hear brides reflect with tears on what they were told:

“You have 6 months to get PREGNANT. And it must be a MALE CHILD. We will not …”.

“Are you pregnant? You know, the earlier the better.”

“I cannot wait to hold my grandson in my arms. I am counting the months.”

“Children are a blessing. The earlier you have them the better”

The subtlety hidden in these words is mind-boggling.

We have made our daughters and women responsible for the conception and birth of children.

We have known for centuries that this is not true but accepting this truth as a fact in our communities would mean the freedom of women from such ill-informed shackles. This is simply too much for many men and even for some women to fathom.

Many cannot bring themselves to accept we were all wrong and that the stigmas we labelled childless women with, were an abuse of their persons. “The woman must be blamed” remains our biased reasoning.

Someone must be responsible, and it must be the woman at all times. That is the default thinking of many. We can hardly bear to imagine that the reasons lie at the doorsteps of the man, the imagined and esteemed “strong man”.

Childlessness does not fit our description of a man and as such, the woman must be responsible for childlessness in the home. When we refuse the truth, it is our disguise to perpetuate abuse.

In many communities, the birth of a child and especially that of a male child defines the value of a woman and how she would be treated by her husband, her close and extended family members, and the community at large.

Yes, this practice of making women responsible for childlessness still happens today and it is not just in villages or the remote areas of our countries but in our cities and amongst families and persons some will term as “well educated” or “elites”.

The pain and frustration of the pressure to conceive and bear children.

Well, we are educated but ill-informed.

What do you do when you are made responsible for what you can do nothing about?

What do you do when you know you are seen as responsible for something which you know, you are not responsible for but you have to remain quiet to uphold the status quo of the man, your husband or partner?

Women have experienced forced separation, divorce, domestic abuse (verbal; psychological and even physical), depression, anxiety and even the shameful “honour killing” of some, due to the error we perpetuate about childlessness and especially that of an absent male child.

Ignorance still runs rampant in our homes and communities. Our daughters and women still endure painful questions and aspersions like:

• When will you give us a grandchild?

• Is there anything you are not telling us?

• We knew you were never right for our son.

• I hope you know the shame childlessness brings to our family.

Our daughters are still shamefully blamed for childlessness in their homes. They are socially ostracised from family and community events. They are even seen as bearers of “negative energy”. The absence of a child in a home is seen as representative of a family with no true worth or purpose in life. Ridiculous and foolish.

These are some truths about our daughters:

• Your worth in life cannot be measured by childbirth.

• The outcome of childlessness must never define your significance in life.

• The desire to have children is normal and noble but childbirth must never determine your value or worth in life.

• You have a womb, and it is designed to host and house a person, but you cannot determine the sex of the child it houses. The man does.

• Childlessness should never be equated to hopelessness and value.

• Childlessness is a flawed concept when we refuse to see people beyond our immediate needs, and societal expectations.

Do not put your life on hold in your desire to have children. I will stand in your corner and by you, in your own decision to bear children. Your desire to bear children is noble but your life’s worth goes beyond having children.

Who you are as a wife must never be tied to the birth of a child, let alone a male child? Never.

Dealing with the pressure of childlessness.

Now, I hear the silent whisper and in some quarters the loud shout of “But I need to keep my family name alive”.

Well, tell that to Hitler and his extended family members. Let us not be naive and stupid. Your worth in life is not attached to the birth of a child but your pursuit of purpose. Until you discover your true meaning, you will pursue shadows to clothe yourself or appease the clamourings of your immediate family or society.

Your life as a woman is designed to receive, carry, hold, incubate, and multiply seeds.

Now those seeds go beyond the sperm of a man, they include ideas, thoughts, aspirations, and imaginations. These seeds are your primary assets in life.

You must study to know your seed- their worth, seasons of planting, tendering principles, productive practices, and harvest.

You were designed and gifted with life as a unique person with a purpose to fulfil on earth. We await your input and voice in our world. It’s time for you to plant and watch over your seeds (ideas, thoughts, imaginations, aspirations ) make a difference in our world.

I may not fully understand your pain and the pressures, but this one thing I know: no one should allow childbirth or childlessness to determine how they see and value themselves and their abilities.

There is, in many quarters, the uncanny pressure of having a baby through your loins. We often forget in these circumstances the examples we readily have amongst us.

Every child is unique and special. They all come with their unique identity and personality. They are born into a world that requires they are nurtured and cared for. It is this initial nurturing that opens the door for childless couples to fulfil their desire to care for and bring up a child.

This initial nurturing goes a long way to impact the child. Children do not at the age of two, look up and say to the adults in their lives: “Are you, my biological parent”. Never!

We must begin to see children as persons separate from us but as persons, we are privileged to nurture, care for, and bring up in love to fulfil their life purposes.

Adoption is a wise and honourable option if a childless couple chooses to pursue their desire to nurture a child in their family home. I reiterate there is nothing wrong and a couple is not out of place in seeking to have or care for a child in their family home.

Adoption however comes with its challenges. The process, financial cost, and the erroneous stigma attached in some communities to adoption do not make it any easy for a childless couple.

In conclusion

We must refuse any reasoning that insists and paint our daughters and women as “baby factories”, “made for the home”, “destinies determined by men” and as “noble subjects to all men”.

The frustration in living in a community that has children is a mark of achievement.

Every woman can live with purpose and every couple can pursue their life dreams with or without their desire for children.

You can support this website.