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The present economic and health crisis is fast eroding the trust and confidence many of us took for granted some years ago. The state and condition of our planet is a very scary place especially for women and our daughters. We live in turbulent times.
It is almost unbelievable to hear some of the evil acts suffered by women and our daughters in their communities. Have we become so numb to seeing and hearing of their pain, fears, and cries for help? When and how did wickedness and evil become the rule in our homes and communities?
We are no longer shocked by the terrible images we see on our TV screens. We no longer simply "run" on hearing some of the outrageous injustices done to women and daughters in our homes and communities. Our faces remain bland and the tears no longer drip down our cheeks. This is the state of our world today
Is there any purpose to life for our daughters? Despite the awful state of world affairs and the maltreatment of women, every daughter must look at themselves and see they are uniquely crafted as persons to live, thrive, and fulfill their life purpose. Listening is the primary tool required to reinforce this truth in our daughter's life.
This is a daunting task that is not made easy by our lukewarm attitudes and the "I blame them" culture we ascribe to some communities we judge as more hostile to women and daughters in comparison to ours. However, the uncomfortable truth we shrink from is this: the future of women and our daughters is getting bleaker by the day in all communities.
Take the simple of all questions: can we identify a boy or a girl from birth? This would have received a resounding biological and scientific answer, YES. That is no longer the case. We are being led to believe that ascribing, addressing, and raising any child according to their biological labels at birth is illogical and wrong.
When the features that easily distinguish most girls at birth are now disputable, there is more evil in the offing to plague and wrestle their identity and significance from them as daughters and women.
Feelings or facts? Just listen.
What would your reaction be, if your daughter says to you "I am a failure and there is no point in living anymore". Would you simply dismiss it, as above, and treat those words as letting off steam or would you listen and enter a conversation with her?
What matters at that very moment is not her history, her talents, or her predicted grades at school. This question centres around and is solely about her. Do not cast it aside as just feelings that show up from time to time. No, please don't.
Feelings in this case are the tip of the iceberg of her deeper concerns. This is not the time to begin a series of mouth-watering promises. No. Promising you will do anything to make her a success in life is great but out of place at this point of your conversation. It's time to listen. Difficult, but you can. listen.
As parents and guardians, we are quick to prefer solutions without entering into a conversation. We appear to always be in a hurry and conversations seem laborious by our attitudes. I am no different.
I was really ill-equipped to address many of the issues I had to deal with as a father. As a married man, I had read books and listened to programmes about parenting, but many of them were just academic theories that I could not relate to.
The oxygen levels in my relationship with my own daughter were at a dangerous level. On many occasions, I felt a sense of bewilderment, frustration, and even despair. My attitude was not a healthy one and things were not getting any better for me. I knew my relationship with my daughter was in a downward spiral. I needed help urgently. I knew I had to find a better way of relating to her.
The difference came when I encountered a mentor who gave me a new perspective. What he said was down to earth, easy to relate to, and just what I needed in my situation. It totally changed my outlook on life and relationships. He said, "listen with the intention to care".
Those simple words were my relationship saver. it affected my attitudes not just to my daughter but increasingly to other areas of my life. I must admit, I am still a work in progress. I am not where I use to be. I am becoming a better and an effective listener.
Before the facts, listen.
Our feelings are true but they are not always factual. I have heard people say "I just say it as it is". That is true but extremely unhelpful in this case.
I would also advise against taking the uninformed route of implying that our daughters are:
Insensitive to the plight of the less privileged in the community.
Taking for granted the opportunities they still have ahead of them.
Unappreciative of the many sacrifices you have made as parents or guardians.
Do not casually say to your daughter that :
they are stressed and need to take a nap.
that they are responsible for their fears and failures.
that life is not fair to anyone and they need to get on with it.
that this is the result of their time-wasting and undisciplined lifestyles.
they are looking for a cheap way out of completing their academic assignments.
that feeling desperate is like burying your head in the sand instead of addressing their concerns head-on.
When we allow facts to become the driving force in our conversations, we will often end up in a far worse place than planned. Our conversations must not only be true but gracious. We must immediately refuse our pre-held assumptions of our daughters.
If we listen, we would begin a journey that reassures them rather than a short lecture that leaves them alone at the expense of their fears and concerns. Listening must always inform our conversations and decisions.
Nothing we know in life is permanent but feelings have a way of extrapolating facts. They sometimes take us to some very wild extremes, negative, or positive. We know that seasons change and that no matter how cold the winter season is; summer will come. But at the time of winter, our feelings set us up to think, this is it. You are not getting out of this.
This is why we must be wise and tactful when addressing emotions and feelings.
Communicating reason to our daughters requires tact because if delivered "raw" can send the wrong message of “get out of it” and that is not what we want to say. That comes across as deeply self-centred, uncaring, and dismissive of their feelings and fears.
Listening could mean a need to change many things or even go to a different environment for a solemn conversation. Environments speak. They can dampen or lighten the hearts of our daughters. Environments can stir up positive memories and they can also paint a bright future. Listening would help you chose the most adequate environments for these conversations.
Listening changes everything.
It is so important we listen. There is nothing as important in our relationships as listening. Unfortunately, many of us were brought up, turning a deaf ear to women and our daughters.
For my first book, I interviewed daughters and women from different walks of life and age range. The revelations were stunning.
They informed me of the :
struggles they wished their dad knew they experienced growing up.
words they wished their dads said to them.
issues that affected their relationships with their dads.
things they wished that their dads had asked them.
activities they were grateful for that their dads did with them.
I have had to go re-read my book to straighten out some loose ends on my part. Listening will also inform the choice of your environment. Environments speak and they often dictate the kind of conversation to be held within their spaces.
No use planning a serious conversation in a library and the same applies to the home front.
Some conversations will happen better over a meal or in the park.
In conclusion, until we begin listening, we will have no clue where our daughters are in their journeys in life. So, it's time to listen to our daughters. We must afford them the room and resources they need to explore and appreciate their unique purposes in life.
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