Shame : Our internal dialogue of pain.

You entered the new year with optimism and a renewed drive to make the needed changes, to excel, and achieve your life goals. That’s laudable.

You wrote down your new year resolutions and promised yourself, that this time , this year, things will be different.

There is however a blind spot. You will gain from paying attention to the one guest we often take on our journeys : SHAME.

Shame is our number one dialogue of pain and regrets. It comes, dressed in very appealing clothing’s but it carries poison in its breath.

This year,

• Don't allow shame, drive you to the gym.

• Don't allow shame, make you a better parent.

• Don't allow shame, decide who you partner with in business.

• Don’t allow shame, instruct your relationships.

• Don’t allow shame, make you lose weight.

• Don’t allow shame , make you endure the abuse at the hands of your partner/spouse.

• Don’t allow shame , feed your anger and disgust.

Don’t allow shame, hold you by your hands.

Shame is a manipulator and cannot be trusted. There is no consistency in shame, just convenience. Shame is slippery and slick.

False Pretense.

For many years, we were advised to hide under the covers of shame. You were fashioned and built up to live a lie in the public domain while suffering under the burden of shame in your secret lives.

Shame still holds us in captivity and refuses our release with a false pretext ,which says:

• we are not good enough.

• we have not done enough.

• we have not learnt our lessons.

• we have not completely changed.

Shame will always insist that you self-reflect in their presence. Shame stands over you with dread with a pretentious smile of care while stirring up fear and disgust in your heart.

Shame smears the mirror by which you see your life, with guilt, and constantly replays every event you scored yourself: incompetent, annoying, aggressive, selfish, inadequate, unprofessional, and a waste of space and time.

With shame, your voice is silenced. Everyone is qualified to participate but you. Shame is the wicked subtle hand that steals from you while pretending to be watching out for your good.

An African proverb says:

“Be careful when nakedness offers you clothes”

Sinking Sand.

Shame gives you a false appearance of humility, openness, and authenticity while secretly draining you of any energy you need for the changes you so desire in life. As long as shame remains the mirror by which you see yourself, you will be incapacitated for change.

Shame is deceptive. Shame promises you a subtle assurance of "sober reflection" but reaches out , grasps, and grips your heart tightly, engulfing it in chains and shackles.

Shame disguises itself as a trusted friend and companion but alas, the difference is, shame wants you in the same pit of despair year after year.

Shame is ineffective for change. Shame will make you feel sorry and constriction, but it will never provide you with the lifesaving tools you need for change.

Don’t continue this year on the faulty foundation of shame.

• Shame supports your abusive nature.

• Shame sides with your deceitful nature.

• Shame spreads its wings over you and gives you the comfort to remain a liar and an untrustworthy person.

Shame always brings within us, the superficial feeling of remorse but empties our toolbox of its content to heal.

A false perspective.

As long as shame remains the mirror by which you see yourself, you will be incapacitated for change.

Shame is "pride", but in emptiness.

Shame is confidence, but in futility. A grasping of the wind. Shame is a wicked trap to keep us in despair and with no changed outcome in sight.

Shame will insist you live a " false" life.

Shame will provide you secret opportunities to indulge in your shame while providing you a deceitful covering in the public eyes. Shame’s advice is that you give up confronting the issues and excuse your role as “that is just life”.

Shame will give you enough reasons to excuse your abuse and malevolence in life.

Shame will open new arguments to excuse the abuse, and the demeaning of women in your community, religious institutions, and family units.

Shame grows in obscurity.

Shame thrives in the dark. Shame gives you enough reason why you should remain inactive, but in its grasp.

Shame will prevent you from ever self-reflecting with hope.

Shame insist you walk with your heads down.

Shame never wants you free. Shame constantly catalogues your weaknesses and like an unfiltered notification button; constantly reminds you of your failures as often as you think.

Help and change happens with time.

There is a remedy. Love calls out to you and me. This is “shame’s” greatest nightmare.

In Love, your resolutions and past actions:

• losses their power to hold you captive to your past failures.

• gives you enough room to fail forwards.

• teaches you to be kind and patient with yourself.

• do not have to stir up the fear of failure.

• revitalises and strengthens your will power to change and excel.

• become wisdom tools/pathways for life and relationships.

• become “steppingstones” and not “weighted stones” tied to your ankles in the sea.

• shows you a more humane pathway for life and relationships.

Love gives you the one thing you need to change : room/space to be yourself with no shame.

Love allows us to hear ourselves away from the noise created by shame in our hearts.

Love allows us to self-reflect without giving up on ourselves.

Practical ways to deal with shame

Be kind to yourself. Make it a practice to say the best things to yourself about yourself. (It may feel strange but do it).

Be patient with yourself. You can never outsmart yourself. Knowledge comes with time. No one “smacks” a newborn for not “walking” a few seconds after birth.

Be quick to forgive yourself. Do not stew over your misdeeds. It has a bad smell. This is different from being “flippant” which equates to being unaccountable, shallow, and “thoughtless”.

Be true to yourself. You , like every person else will experience failure in life, business, and relationships.

Talk to your shame by name. Whatever you consider to be “shame “ in your life and person, call it by name and address it. Address them forthrightly with an air of arrogance about your person and worth.

Say to that particular issue: “I judge this particular action, (name it), as wrong and contrary to the truth about my person. I am loved and my worth is useful and expedient as light and salt to my community , family unit and my world.

Work with a professional counsellor or mental health therapist to walk you through the process of healing. If you are struggling, get help. Never give yourself a reason to be silent about your pain.

Always judge yourself using the "spectacle" of Love (God). God remains the highest authority figure that gives you, your worth and significance in life. Staunchly refuse any religious mindset that takes you away from the loving presence of your fathers heart.

Thanks for your support.