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We have all experienced the feelings of shame to various degrees. Unfortunately, we habour many of these events and they become the very predators that fight and devalue our dreams and life aspirations.
As children, many of us repeatedly heard our parents say to us:
“You never get anything right”.
“You are simply useless. You spoil everything you touch”.
“ You have no brains. Why can’t you be like your brother”.
“This is why I never rejoiced the day I was told you were going to be a girl at birth”.
“Go to your room and I don’t want you out until you are sorry for what you have done. Idiot”.
Those words still echo in many of us, even after our parents have transition from planet earth.
Educational institutions
As students, we heard our teachers say to us:
“You are a very slow learner. You will always struggle with your academics”.
“Your drawings are horrible to begin with. You need to spend time and learn from your classmates”.
“You must have a disability, that is why your comprehension is so poor. I advise that you tell your parents to have you tested.”
“Even a fool will understand what I am saying. You need some serious check-up”
Those words became foundational structures, deep in our minds, and they continue to restrict, limit, and hold us back in our quest for excellence in life.
Many are still expending energy and resources to prove that those words were wrong. Like “hamsters in a wheel”, we are running but making no progress. We are static. Same place, year in, year out in our minds.
Unfortunately, success does not erase or silence those words in us.
Workplace
In the workplace, your line manager , a work colleague, or a client says to you in private:
“How did you manage to graduate from any educational institution. Your grammar and sentences are all over the place. I would need to ask someone else next time”.
“I know you slept with your last manager for your promotions. Why am I different?”.
“ I know you cheated in your examinations to obtain these qualifications. Your spellings are horrible”
“If you want my patronage, you know what to do. Meet me later tonight in my room for a drink”.
“Someone sent me some video clips of your past life which management is not aware of before you were offered this managerial position. The ball is in your court. You know your options”.
“A client comes into your workplace and whispers to you: It doesn’t matter if you are married. I can have you tonight. Every woman has her price. Name yours”.
“Sorry, I am finding it very difficult to understand what you are saying. You have a very strong foreign accent”.
Shame, abusers and you.
In places, where we subconsciously still consider to be safe , millions have suffered horrific abuse.
Our homes, religious institutions, schools, workplace have become breeding grounds where predators, trusted authority figures, continue to abuse those they have authority and responsibility over.
Some of these abuses occurred in our childhood and for many of us, have stayed with us into our adult life. Predators, and abusers come in all shapes and forms, but they have this in common: they are rat poisons in our systems. They look good, trustworthy, and ideal, but they are laced with death.
Many of us never truly come out of these horrible experiences. We blame ourselves : “why did I not talk to someone for so long?”, “why did I allow myself believe his threats. “, “Why was I so naive? Maybe it was my own secret desires”.
In all of the above instances, the victims continue to suffer and unfortunately shame becomes the poison the predators leave within them, I mean us.
Like parasites, these experiences inhabit and feed our minds with guilt, and they eventually transform into our ultimate nightmare, shame.
They perpetually feed and keep these negative experiences fresh in our minds everyday of our living life.
This is what shame does.
You blame yourself.
You excuse the abuser.
You hide from such conversations.
You comfort yourself with lies by saying to yourself “everyone has a secret burden to carry in life. This is mine”.
You take all the responsibilities on yourself. You say to yourself “I knew what was coming and yet I foolishly put myself in that position. I am dumb”.
There is nothing good or worthwhile about shame in anyone’s life.
I see the expressions of shame in our lives in many ways.
We feel insecure, angry, stupid, inadequate, unloved, inconsequential, unimportant, a waste of space, ignored, unwanted, belittled, a burden, powerless, betrayed, helpless, incompetent, an outcast, inferior to others, weak and despised.
The Dark Places.
We run, hide, and remain in the dark corners shame has created for us as places of safety.
Shame resides and thrives in darkness. Shame strips you of any energy to see your relevance on earth. Shame judges and keeps you a prisoner to your failings and “blind spots”.
Drink, alcohol, food, self-harm, and success are sometimes used to mask the horrible taste of shame which people experience and hold in their hearts.
No one ever truly succeeds in darkness and that is why shame is sometimes difficult to detect. Success many times camouflages the ugly shame people experience in their lives.
Many have tried using success to outrun their shame, but it is always to no avail. Why? Because shame is about our own judgement, how we see, and absorb people’s judgement of our person.
Shame is internal. It’s foundation and roots are within each of us. They are not external.
That is why it is futile to build your goals and dreams on: “I will prove you wrong”.
"No one is ever truly free, when shame holds the reins of their heart" . m izekor
Shame will keep you vulnerable to the desires and wishes of others. Shame prevents you from looking at the mirror of love. Shame keeps us in darkness. Shame is the one meal, prepared and served, to keep us in our pain.
The remedy for shame: Light.
Light is the only freedom we have in shame. In light, we accept our vulnerabilities, failures, “stinky” attitudes, false pride, deception, malice, and everything wrong about our self-efforts.
Shame points and shouts obscenities to describe your person.
Light reminds you of your true worth in Love.
Shame judges you by using the inflexible demands of the moral code.
Light will have you look and hear the voice of Love for you.
Shame makes you the dirt and disgust of your action.
Light reminds you of your true nature in Love.
Shame makes you promise, will, and determined " to work at it".
Light makes you thankful that you are accepted not by your moral scores.
Shame is judgement without mercy.
Light is knowing and acknowledging that another , Love, took your place in judgement.
Shame will hold the mirror of your failing self to you.
Light will hold up your true nature in Love to you.
Shame makes and keeps you a slave to your fears and failures.
Light reminds you of your Liberty , freedom, and acceptance in Love.
Shame makes your world full of insecurities, doubts, and a poor self-esteem.
Light makes you walk tall and strong inspite of your failures.
Shame is a bully , a self-confused item that seeks everything about you for themselves.
Light is a release to be what you were designed to be in life and to your world.
Shame buries your head in the crowd and puts an iron-clad muzzle across your mouth.
Light gives you a voice and reassures you of your place and significance in life.
Shame will make you a "hypocrite " in life.
Light will make and keep you a "victor" in life.
Shame has prejudged and predetermined your life score: failed.
Light has prejudged and wants to award you a life score: perfect.
What “Light” do you have?
If your “light” reveals and reminds you of your insignificance, that is not true light but an “appearance of light”, that is shame.
If your “light” does not reveal how much you are loved as a human inspite of the storms, your failings, and tragedies in life, that is shame.
If your “light” demands obedience and contrition but never provides you a prepaid “accepted card” of your person, that is shame.
If your “light” constantly reminds you of how uncertain your future will always be, and how your dreams of impacting lives is a pipe dream, that is shame.
If your “light” makes you a slave and inferior to nature, that is shame.
The question should not be, have you no “shame” in you , but have you no “light” in you.
My personal experience
Light for me , is love.
Love for me, is a person. God.
When I accepted the truth of God’s love for me, that perspective kept me in light.
My life is worth living.
My voice is worth hearing.
My person is significant to this world.
In conclusion
Refuse the subtle plea and advice of “shame”. There is no dignity in “shame”.
You may think you are authentic and true, but you are living and drinking from the wells of lies. There is nothing worthy about being “in shame”.
Shame is energy sapping and an unproductive "buddy" for life.
Shame will insist you wear a camouflage throughout your time on earth.
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