Should I say, “Yes, I do”? and the 25 Red Flags to watch out for.

This is one of the most anticipated question for those in relationships in many communities.

The easy answer to the question “Should I say, “Yes, I do”” would be “it depends” but my preferred answer would be to pause and ask yourself this question: “How did I get here in this relationship”. So pause. Don’t answer, just yet.

Many, unfortunately, have hurriedly jumped with excitement, joy, and a thumping heart to answer the question with an “I do” , only to see such joys evaporate in the coming days and months. How did it turn sour, so quickly?

They imagined and expected the many “Hollywood” , “Bollywood” or “Disney film” scenarios to play out nicely in their relationship, but alas, they wake up to the sad reality of asking themselves the dreaded question: How did I get here with this individual? and for some it is: What happened to “us”? “Where did we go off track?”

So, pause and ask yourself : How did I get here? before you answer your partner’s question “Would you do me the honour of ..?”. Emotions are never good decision makers. It’s time for you to think and reflect.

Blind

Many still hold this unfortunate belief that “true love is blind and unconditional”. Sorry to burst that bubble. True love comes with our eyes wild open. Admitting that “love is blind” is similar to saying “Anyone can stretch out their hands in the dark, reach out and whatever person they touch would end up the most ideal partner in a marital relationship.

Now you know that is not true but that is what we do when we say, “love is blind”.

Many interpret “love is blind” to mean:

• I will make all the necessary adjustments to make this relationship work.

• I don’t need to know their past to determine my future with them. Sorry, this is a pathway to “pain”.

• No one is perfect and my partner is no different from any other. He may be frightening but what choices do I have. All men are flawed. Many still believe and live by this fallacy.

There is never a good reason to walk in the dark especially in our relationships. Do not avoid the questions. The questions we feel ashamed or out of bounds in our conversation with our partners, may very well become the future “sticking pin in the shoe” called marriage .

The questions you ask and those asked of you reveal the depth of your understanding and the expectations you have of each other.

• What is your past sexual experience?

• What do you think of the wife becoming the main “bread winner” / financial provider?

• What do you think about those who are poor in our community?

• What incidence or indiscretion will you never forgive a person or institution for in life?

• Do we need a “pre-nup” agreement?

• What is your medical history? Any red flags?

• What do you think of your future wife working abroad for a period of time away from you?

• What do you think of a wife owning and managing her own financial portfolio?

• Should we have a joint will?

• Do we want to have children asap or none at all?

• Do we agree for our parents to live with us and if so when and for how long ?

My mentor often says this about questions

• Until you ask a question, your information is mostly accidental. It is a “hit and miss”.

• The question you ask, will decide the future you experience.

• Questions are the seeds you plant in life for safety.

So before you say, “I do” , you owe yourself an answer to several life changing question:

• Did I arrive at this point of my relationship with no questions ?

• What questions did I ask in my journey leading to this point?

• Where our questions foundational question or simply “social media or current affairs “ questions?

• Did I avoid asking tough questions for fear of losing him?

• Did I know the questions to ask?

• Did I simply assume, and hope things will change for the better when we get married?

• Did I assume that my friends and very close family recommendations of my partner was good enough to ignore my fears and worries?

• If you are “blind”, in not asking questions, you know you have left yourself open to the wolves in our world.

• In some cultures where parents ask these questions, do not preclude yourself from those conversations as a lady.

• Do your own research and share them with your parents. It is still your decision.

Reasoned

A friend once asked a would-be bride “Do you see yourself ,letting go of everything you ever laboured for”. That question on reflection, sent a shock wave through my thinking process. I immediately built up a defence system against that idea. I refused it the freedom to dwell and engage my thinking process. But I later found out, my friend was right.

Emotions are an essential ingredient for any relationship to thrive but without reason , a crash or burn is just round the corner. Many go the other extreme end of the scale to say “l must truly know him well enough and be certain beyond any reasonable doubt before I give him an answer.

The challenge with this idea is, how far do we go before paranoia, self-doubts and fear sets in. I have heard instances of couples trying to find out if anyone in their partners blood line were involved in the slave trader.

I have heard questions which I classify fall under the “non-essential” group of questions for marital relationships:

• Do we need to commit ourselves to a twice a year travel commitment in marriage?

• Are you willing to study a university degree when we get married?

These questions are not foundational or important to the future fabrics of any marriage.

I have also heard some extreme advice to would be couples :

• Just go with your “gut” feeling . You can never go wrong.

• Follow your instinct now then adjust when you get married.

Unfortunately, these are not a good enough advice to help anyone answer the question: Should I say, “Yes, I do” ?

Marriage is too big an investment in life to make your “gut” feeling or instinct the reason for a yes or no.

Reasoning would include :

• Your understanding of is personality and mannerism. For example, is your future partner given to anger and jealousy, are they “tight-fisted”, stingy with money.

• Your deep insight about his belief systems.

• Your knowledge and willingness to adapt to certain traits. Like, not washing their mouth before eating…; having an untidy room, an untidy house, taking toothpaste from the middle , a hoarder?

• How does he relate with his family and friends?

• Do they want children and what is the maximum they subscribe to?

• What in the future would make them seek a divorce?

These are some “reasons” you need to consider as essential to a healthy marriage.

Pressured

Unmarried couples face various pressures to either say “yes” or “no” to the question : Would you marry me? Some pressures are healthy while others are simply self-centred, manipulative, controlling and divisive. They are inconsiderate of the couple’s financial means, wishes, aspirations and life goals.

Some couples unfortunately have had to face death threats , kidnappings and even slavery depending on their answers. There have been instances where an answer resulted in couples been disowned by their parents; would be couples fleeing, eloping from their communities due to life safety issues.

Many others have had the unfortunate results of been killed, suffering acid attacks, lied to, and transported to a foreign country where their passports are seized, and they are forced into marriage (slavery for me) without their consent.

Single couples have had to endure societal and cultural pressures. Singles are often shamed and pressured into saying “yes” or “no” by various cultural or societal pressures. Take the case of where singles are tagged with shameful nick names like “an old box” if you are unmarried at 25 in German,y, while the unmarried women in France are sometimes tagged ““Catherinettes” and expected to wear green and yellow hats on November the 25th (St Catherine’s Day”.

Some may term these practices playful and just ceremonial in nature , but they send a hurtful message to those single or single couples among them. In some communities in China, single women are termed “sheng nu” or “leftover women”. Parents actually still go the extra mile to the People’s Park in Shanghai every Saturday and Sunday to gather for what appears to be a “marriage” marketplace.

Single couples are extremely influenced by their religious understandings in many communities. There are instances where couples were literally forced into marriage within their religious beliefs.

When the option for choice and consent is refused and removed from single couples, tyranny always reigns. We must never treat with levity the need for consent from the couples even if, in our judgement, their decision appears to be heading in the wrong direction and we think it will do them no good in the future.

25 “Red “ flags about your boyfriend

• When you notice he is manipulative and self-centred.

• When your boyfriend says, “If you love and care about me deeply, and believe that this relationship has a future in it, you will give him access to your bank account details.”.

• When your boyfriend treats you worse than you will treat yourself.

• When his close friends have no respect for you, and he simply sees that as a joke. Secretly, he sees you as a joke.

• When you find out they are cheating on you, and they excuse their behaviour with your supposedly “neglect”. They won’t stop even in marriage.

• When your boyfriend offers sex as the one true test of your love for him.

• When you boyfriend constantly compares you with his mum or ex.

• When you don’t trust him or his words.

• He gives you enough reason to avoid meeting up with you. The shine is gone. Check out.

• When he expects you to always listen to him but will make light of any suggestion you offer.

• When he constantly stirs up the worst in you. When he is more concerned about your physique than your brain.

• He is a violent man but claims that is due to a medical condition.

• When he is rude and disrespects his parents and especially his mum or step-mum in your presence. You will not be any different in marriage.

• When his lifestyle and personality become your biggest concern, worry and problem. That is just 10% of what he would become in marriage.

• When he is impatient, overbearing, inconsiderate but explains it simply as stress , always!

• When you cannot truly trace their history. He is the “Too good to be true” type. Run.

• When he can’t make any decision without a reference to what he thinks his parents or friends would make of that decision. He is still attached to apron strings.

• When your boyfriend constantly talks about his career progression and his future goals but never with any reference to yours.

• When your boyfriend is unemployed and prefers being on the government’s benefits system.

• When they constantly reference your actions with his past relationships. He is still bitter. Move on.

• When he would never listen, take advice because he claims to know everyone’s answer without hearing them.

• When he never stops saying he takes pride in his cultural background and that informs many of the decisions he makes in life. Disaster ahead. Run.

• When you know he is talented, gifted but lacks empathy for those in his world.

• When your boyfriend introduces you to a “pimp”.

In conclusion.

You will have to give an answer to the initial question : Should I say , “Yes , I do”?. Knowing who you are as a person, what you know about your partner and the essential elements for a healthy marriage , you can make the decision with some trepidation. There will always be a “but if” in your decision but most should have been ironed out by “reason”.

You have my best wishes and hope you have a healthy journey in your marital decision which could be a “Yes” or “No”. The choice is always yours.

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