The painful cost of getting married.

Weddings, and engagements ceremonies are joyful events, but they are very expensive. They are expensive in monetary and in emotional terms for the bride.

Most of us would have seen the pictures and video clips of several ladies on their wedding days: dancing; laughing, wearing great smiles, and exuding joy.

While many will reflect on those eventful days with great joy and awe, several others will go as far as to “curse” those calendar days for what transpired between them and certain individuals.

These nefarious persons, deliberately plant troubles and worries in the minds of the brides to unsettle them. Many brides regrettably never fully recover their peace from such blows. Their confidence is dented, and their fears heightened.

Behind the veil.

Before the bridegroom lifts the covering off the face of the bride, the bride has had many gruesome fights, arguments, and even heart-wrenching stories of threats; abuse; and manipulations to their persons.

While we see the bright “smiles” worn by the bride, we have no appreciation of the hostilities they have had to endure before; during, and after their wedding days.

The video clips, and magazine write-ups do not capture the pain, struggles, and hidden tears of many brides.

In many instances, the bride did not arrive at the weddings of their own free will. Many, in their attempt to show respect and honour their parents, and culture, reluctantly arrive at their weddings with cleansed fists and bitten lower lips.

Women are still at the receiving ends of demeaning words about their wedding plans and even their choice of a life partner.

It is not uncommon to hear our daughters secretly and sometimes openly reiterate the heart-wrenching words they had to put up with from many of their close family members and in-laws.

They were unashamedly told :

“I will have nothing to do with you in life, if you go ahead with this wedding”.

“You cannot marry into such a family. Call it off. It is not too late”.

“You cannot marry anyone outside our culture; social status; economic weight; nationality or religious convictions”.

“You are not mature enough to know the truth about marriage. Your marriage will fail if you do not take my recommended choice of a partner for you”

A woman’s wedding day should be a delight which she shares with her bridegroom, and her guests but in many cases, it is the culmination of a fierce battle with close and extended family members.

Trauma

A wedding day should be a unique event in the life of a woman. It should be the uninhibited flow of joy and celebrations of a new season in her life.

A wedding day should be the open celebration of a woman’s decision to become “one” with their future husband. It is where they “ink” their signature of consent to become a wife to the one man they choose to love in life in a marital relationship.

This is the opening chapter of a new book co-written by the woman and their husband. Subsequent pages will be filled with their decisions as husbands and wives.

Unfortunately, the wedding day has become many things outside its most essential purpose, which is the celebration of our daughter's choice of a life partner.

It has become to many women:

- The end of a long-drawn battle with their own families, extended family members, and the community about their choice.

- The start of a dark season with a person they had no choice about and who sees them as an addition to his property.

- The beginning of fear, anxiety and worries about the many expectations she must now fulfill.

Is it so difficult for us to lose the rein of control on women? We even invade her treasured day with our self-imposing opinions and ideas.

This is the one day where she is supposed to be the central figure, but our ego or rather our “small mindedness” will not allow us the dignity to let her be.

To our shame, we belittle our daughters when we insist on living their lives for them, even after marriage. We refuse them the joy to reflect; learn and make their own choices.

Financial wreck and bondage.

I have seen and experienced the joys of seeing many couples “tie the knot” on their wedding days. It is beautiful. In many communities, several celebrations happen before this particular day. It's always colourful, joyful but it often comes with a financial burden. It’s expensive.

This is where we must be bold and creative, in ensuring that while we honour our cultural heritage , they must be within the financial means of the couple.

In many cultures, weddings are a family affair, and this allows for manipulations and even threats in the way she wants her engagement and wedding day planned.

We must encourage and support would-be couples to stay within their financial budgets and means. It is advisable they insist that all ceremonial demands be within their means as couples or they are fully paid for by the advocates with no strings attached to such favours.

It is unwise and financially unhealthy for couples to be encouraged or even threatened to go beyond their financial means, to adhere and meet the financial obligations as set by their various cultural or religious following.

I have never truly understood the rationale for requiring that a bride marry a man whose financial means must go beyond the basic necessities of life: shelter, food , and clothing.

We are ever so willing to demand from her, what we cannot afford for ourselves. We disguise our demands as fulfilling the cultures of our communities.

Many use the beautiful idea of a “dowry” as a ploy to exert certain financial demands on the would be couple and others use them as their “pay back” for past inter and intra family wrangling’s.

Engagements, weddings and related events have been delayed and even postponed because of the burdensome financial demands made on the would be couple. It is not uncommon to see couples go into debt after their wedding day. Strain, arguments, and blame soon ensue in their new home.

To every vengeful advocate who insists that certain expensive cultural demands be met , like the bride price, you are making a mockery of the marriage institution. When the bride price or dowry becomes a get-rich-quick scheme for you, you are not only pathetic but a disgrace to your family unit.

You care for nothing about the financial well-being of the new couple. It is no wonder some newly wedded couples elope from their communities to begin their marital lives elsewhere.

We can avoid the pain and burden we place on women.

For those who will insist on making the life of women and our daughters a misery on their wedding days, this is my advice:

- If you cannot add to her joy; your silence is golden.

- If you cannot bear to see her married; stop any attempt to manipulate or threaten her to change course.

When her happiness leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, your presence is poisonous to their wedding day. Stay away.

It is flawed to imagine that our daughters as young adults cannot make wise choices. And if that is your assessment and judgment, it reflects more on you. Let her be. Wish her well and remain in her life as a helper when asked.

To every woman and daughter, this is my advice:

“Your wedding day requires your fingerprints and not necessarily the footprints of others. Start with your heart, and with wisdom make your decision”.

--- And they lived joyfully, in wisdom, thereafter---