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Love is a word constantly spoken as a solution to the ills that plague our communities.
We hear phrases like: "She is in love", "You have fallen in love", "You have been bitten by the 'love bug'", "Are you in love?". These statements/questions often denote the description of a lady's emotional state.
Love is a misunderstood term. We mistake our emotional feelings for a person as the ultimate proof of love towards that individual. At the peak of our feelings towards an individual, we say "this is the best person to be with", "I am lucky to have met this individual", "I cannot sleep without you", "Seeing you, makes my world complete" and that is great but that is not love in its entirety.
Love for a woman means many things but they are all rooted in this: an individual has made an informed choice to associate themselves with another person in an area of mutual consent and depending on the relationship may or may not be exclusive to them.
Many confuse friendliness with love. Right intentions can’t replace real love.
Unfortunately, we were never taught the truth about real love.
Here is a list of errors we hold as 'true' about love:
Love has no rules.
People “fall” in love.
Love is unconditional.
Love guarantees trust.
Love never exposes corruption.
Love will protect you from evil/wrong people.
This article is specific to "love" as it relates to individuals in courtship or a marriage relationship. What should love in this context mean to the parties involved.
Demanding
I had always assumed “love” to be unconditional. I was so wrong. I always heard that true love was unconditional until I heard my mentor correct a flaw in that statement.
Love creates an expectation. Love expects a response to their actions and that would determine what happens next. Love in this sense is not unconditional.
This is why we have seen many people "think" they are in love when they are emotionally wrapping themselves to an uncommitted individual. You make all the calls. You do all the visits. You go the extra mile in being with them and even in gifts but what you receive back is a shallow acknowledgment of your efforts.
Lady, pause. You are not in love. You are infatuated by that man.
Your love should demand a response that validates your input. That may not be immediate but such individuals cannot be "wet logs" to your fire. You do not have six months to make them see that you care differently for them. Lady, it's time to move on.
I know we watch and hear stories of men who after a long time responded to love. Ladies, that's a fairy tale. That's an "outlier" experience in real life. It is not the norm in most (99%) people's experiences.
So, the first thing that love means is "It demands a reciprocal response". Love is demanding.
You must always judge the response you get from your love investments.
Love is an expensive investment.
Informed.
People are like books. If you do not know the reason for a particular instrument, you will abuse its purpose in your life. You cannot say you are in love if you know little or nothing about that individual. Many of us grew up hearing and even believing that true love is "blind". That is so far from the truth. Love happens with our eyes and minds wide open.
Love only happens when the parties involved are informed and know the foundational elements or makeup and propensities of their partners. No one can be fully known but to assume his outburst and uncontrolled temper will change on your wedding day is not a smart idea. Your wedding day is not a "magic wand" for instant behavioral change.
How well do you know him? I know you have this wonderful feeling and they are genuine and in many cases important but feelings are a poor judgment of anyone's character. Our feelings have no reasoning abilities attached to them. There is actually "no sense" in our feelings.
So ask yourself certain basic questions: "what is their life philosophy and attitude towards the wealthy", "What and who can they never forgive", "What boundaries do they have for the future interactions with you in the picture", "What is their attitude or understanding of married or single women"
If you do not have clear and precise answers to these questions, lady you are simply infatuated by that individual. They must be aware and to a great extent know about your fears, cares, concerns, aspirations, dreams, and experiences before you can “love” them. If they do not have the time or the energy to know you, you will become an "item" in marriage.
We need to understand the impact of our limitations and systemic bias of women from different cultures. Love is sometimes spelt differently in different communities but they must all come from the same roots- genuine care and an informed choice.
Listens
Ask yourself this question:
Are they present in your conversations?
Are they self-obsessed about themselves?
Do they ever ask for your feedback or input?
Will they go the extra mile to secure your financial education?
You cannot be in love with a person who is never present in your world. They constantly invite you into theirs but show little or no interest in your affairs, aspirations, dreams, and life goals. Lady, you are not in love.
When a man gives you little or no attention, that is their down payment of "silence" in the future. He would not be any different. Now, I do not mean a man cannot change, improve and upskill. No, but there are certain indefensible character traits you must not excuse.
Is he a listener? Does he talk over you most times and expect you to be quiet in group conversations? Those are red lights that scream: stop and reconsider this man in bold letters.
Many of us listen to reply. We listen to air our own opinions. We rarely listen to care for the person or the issues been discussed.
We take on positions to defend or to deflect what we assume are hidden criticisms of our positions on the subject matter. If he is not listening now, be ready for a wild ride in the early years of your marriage and for some, the entire duration of your marriage. We were not born with the skill to listen. Listening as a skill is intentional but only to those that see the need.
Are his ears tuned to only hurtful incidences or wrong words? What and who does he listen to with respect. Whose opinions persuade him? Do you know any of his mentors?
If he is not listening to anyone, he will likely not listen to you. He may nod his head but that is a subtle way to say "Please, I do not want to be disturbed by your matters".
He must be “present” whenever he is in conversations with you. They must give themselves to those moments with you and that is not restricted to going out to cinemas, shopping or restaurants. It includes business seminars and auction sales.
Not silent.
Love is not “Silent”. Love is a desire to protect, preserve, and honour the dignity of your person as a woman. Love requires that he challenges, exposes, and brings down systems that abuse and seek to abuse not just you but women and daughters.
Our emotions have no boundaries. Love however sets up and maintains boundaries around those they love. Love marks out certain selected individuals for preferential treatments which others are prevented from assessing. Love is uncompromising in their defense of those they love.
Love will speak at the best of your times but also at the worst of your times. Love never leaves your side or gives your behaviour as an excuse for their absence. This will not make sense to many. It comes across as extreme but that is so true. Love is extreme in the defense of those they love. The defense of their persons, not necessarily their actions.
Love will never go into hiding when those they love are been attacked and torn down. Love ensures that their beloved 's voices are never canceled by their past failures, insecurities, or bullies online.
Love is ever willing to learn and adjust to the truth. Love is not obstinate in their opinions. Love is ever willing to change, adjust and make amends in the fulfilment of truth.
Love can be misconstrued as inflexible, unadaptable to societal norms, retrogressive, backdated, and even outdated to those who consider themselves to be "modern and informed".
Profund