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Some will shudder at the thought of hearing someone say "Your daughter will end up a wife". It appears innocent on the surface, but the words betray their true meaning. It's not a statement of fact but a sarcastic admission of a deluded mindset. It's baffling but sadly it is still true that the worth of our daughters and women is still tied to “marriage” in most communities.
What pressurises single ladies into marriage? There are many factors (persons and institutions) that pressure single ladies into marriage but they are all founded on this erroneous belief: that every lady is emotionally driven, flippant, and unstable without a man.
I conducted a poll on Linkedin on the above subject matter.
Question: What pressures single ladies to get married. Results from 283 votes and over 8700 views.
Family. 54% Loneliness 20% Low self-worth. 11% Peer pressure. 15%
Marriage is a frightful and painful end to many women because we have made the marriage institution the benchmark of worth and value for every daughter and woman. By doing this, we have inadvertently forced women into thinking of marriage as a goal they must aspire to and attain, for them to have any sense of value in themselves.
We have inherited and developed systems that have painfully and wrongfully made marriage an institution where the liberties of our daughters are walked upon, thrown out, or buried in full considerations of their husbands. Marriage has shamefully been made the only "reasonable" option for most women desiring a future of respect and worth in their communities.
We have redefined the institution of marriage to fit our mischievous imaginations and the wrongful denial of this foundational truth, which is:
“Marriage is not a partnership. Marriage is a union of two (2) persons where each is fused into the other. There are no inferior or superior persons in this unique relationship”.
Driven by Singleness
Being single as a woman is frowned upon in many communities.
Women in their millions, still shed secret tears because their worth and significance are still measured by their answer to this question: Are you married?
Every daughter and woman has significance not because they are married.
They are significant because they are unique persons gifted with life.
Women who chose to remain single are many times seen as:
Self-centered.
Wayward and loose.
Undependable and untrustworthy.
Deceptive in refusing to admit their loneliness.
Sadly, this humiliation does not end with our notion of marriage.
It is seen in our attitudes about childlessness, the sex of our children.
Marriage, childbirth, and raising children are noble causes but it is the height of foolishness to imagine that a woman's worth should be measured in those terms.
How did we get here and why do we persist in valuing our daughters in such demeaning ways?
Our daughters' worth in life should never be associated with their choices to either marry or remain single in life. No woman should be seen and treated as single if they are in pursuit of their life purposes on earth. Marriage is not a woman's life pursuit.
Being single is not an abnormal choice for any woman. A woman has the liberty to choose at her own time to be married or to remain single. Being single does not stop a woman from contributing to the welfare and wellbeing of her community
Florence Nightingale was an English social reformer with a passion for the Nursing profession. She served as a trainer and manager of nurses and cared for wounded soldiers during the Crimean war between October 1853 to February 1856. Florence was an astute learner and her reflection about sanitary conditions resulted in the deaths of fewer soldiers in the nursing facilities. Florence was also pivotal to professionalising nursing roles for women with the foundation of her Nursing school in London, England. Florence was awarded the Royal Red Cross in 1883 (Exceptional service in military nursing), The Order of St John in 1904 ( A royal order of chivalry), and the Order of Merit in 1937 ( Distinguished service in the armed forces, science, art, literature or for the promotion of culture).
Mother Theresa, was an Albanian- Indian Catholic Nun missionary who founded the Missionaries of Charity, a Catholic mission to care for the hungry, homeless, the unloved, and people that were seen as burdens to their communities. Many questioned her practice but Mother Theresa's sacrifice and heart for the poor could not be called into question. She brokered a temporary cease-fire between the Israeli army and the Palestinian fighters and with the Red Cross workers traveled through the war zone to rescue 37 children in a front-line hospital. In 1979. Mother Theresa was awarded the Nobel prize.
If you chose to be single, pursue the purpose of your design and excel. If you chose to be married, you must understand you are first a whole person and not a "better half" to a man.
Misguided expectations
We have all subconsciously believed and accepted lies in the place of truth when it comes to marriage, women, and our daughters.
The painful truth is that our acceptance and promotion of these erroneous concepts of the marriage institution has resulted in many women being treated with contempt by their ill-informed husbands.
Mariage has falsely been touted as:
Every girl's dream.
The ultimate joy of any lady.
A place where everything comes together.
A mother's ultimate dream for her daughter.
The singular most important event in a woman's life.
When these false ideas and narratives form the subconscious bedrock of our daughter's mindset, we have set them up for a shipwreck. When we make a flawed man the ultimate experience and success for any daughter, we are myopic and lack any true understanding of women.
We have built the marriage institution on a very faulty premise. We have labeled and tagged marriage as the ultimate bliss but we know too well, that is far from our everyday reality.
Is it any wonder why, many women now find the notion of marriage to be distasteful, fearful, and an uninviting proposition? No man is designed to be a woman's crowning glory in life.
These false ideas throw "dung" on the dignity of every woman and they set up women as treasure trophies in the marital relationship. Women are seen as items instead of as unique persons in a marital relationship.
It is contrary to nature to think and to treat women as items owned and under the absolute control and dictates of any man. When marriage becomes a transaction with women as items and not persons, abuse is inevitable.
Marriage, some will say, is a social construct that evolves with time, and as such the value systems of that institution changes over time. The expectations and roles of women are likened to shifting sands. Marriage becomes a battlefield where everything is at stake rather than a relationship. It looks quiet and smooth on the surface but every action is subconsciously taken with a legal "if" in the future.
We have all learned to our dismay, that no "contract" can hold the hearts of those in a relationship. Many call these contracts the insurance policy against their partners. Contracts are excellent and protective but they are no guardrails to any future blossoming marriage.
Who exactly is a wife and where is her place in the relationship?
Until we adequately explore and know the place, responsibilities, and honour of who a wife is in a marital relationship, our daughters are heading for the exit doors on their wedding days. It need not be so. men know very little about women and that is why every woman must know and appreciate her worth as a lady different and unique from the man. She is irreplaceable.
Cultural and societal pressures
Our daughters are subtly taught to envy and desire to be sons. Male attributes are seen and celebrated as superior to the females. Men and sons are always placed on a pedestal above women and their sisters. Women and daughters are expected to look upwards towards men and their brothers. How wrong we have all been. When we make any man the emblem and aspiration for any woman, we are dealing with damaged goods.
We all agree that the physical attributes of a man are different but we never make men feel inferior because they have no wombs in them. That is not their design. No woman should ever feel less or inferior to any man. Never. It is not only foolish, but it belittles the greatness and dignity that is locked inside every woman and daughter.
We have witnessed the use of a woman's "biological" clock as a good reason to encourage women into marriage. This results in many women running against a "biological" clock and many getting married against their nest judgments. When the richness of marriage is not known, we are forced to see marriage as the next essential item to be ticked of in a woman's "bucket list".
Women are often subtly told by their parents, get married. When we whisper grandchildren in our conversations, they hear a loud and resounding, "get married" instruction.
Marriage is wonderful but we must not make it become the measurement of a woman's worth in our community. Grandchildren are exciting, so is adoption.
Every child, born or adopted into the family is special and they offer us a unique opportunity, to write the truth of love into their minds and hearts.
Conclusion
These are my summary thoughts:
Our daughters and women are priceless, honourable, and gifted.
Our daughters and women are unique persons and their choices include their thoughts on marriage or singleness.
Our daughters' worth cannot be defined by the changing views of our society. They are set in stone. They are unique persons and that will never change.
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