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The abuse and rape of women and our daughters are still very much a taboo topic in the public discourse in most communities.
The reason we do not believe women who report their abuse or rape is that our communities and homes often behave like cults and gangs with the unwritten code of “total silence” when it comes to the issues of abuse and rape of a woman’s person.
This is how the unwritten code of “total silence” takes control of our hearts and thought processes when the rape or abuse of women in our communities and homes is in question.
The way we treat the voice of women
We all grew up in communities where from a very young age, we hear that a daughter is “daddy’s princess’ while sons are seen as independent future leaders. This, unfortunately, translates to ownership in our communities.
We generally expect daughters to feel:
Unprotected and unsecured without their dads.
Fragile and alone without the comfort of their dads.
The dad-daughter relationship should be one of love, care, and kindness but unfortunately, many such relationships have become self-centred, abusive, damaging, controlling, and wicked to the dreams and aspirations of daughters.
From a very young age, daughters and eventually women are repeatedly told that their opinions do not count, and their persons are treated with levity. In our communities, we are constantly fed “innuendos” that berate and belittle the persons of daughters and women alike.
Growing up you hear things like:
You are “girly” in character to depict weakness.
“Do not be a girl” depict a lack of courage.
A woman’s place is in the kitchen to depict our “woke” ultimate place for women.
A single woman is “loose” and a homewrecker.
When a woman says ”Yes” she means “No” to depict that a woman’s words and feelings cannot be taken at face value. A woman’s word is always subjective.
From a very young age, we have all be fed negative bias toward women, girls, and daughters. Is it any wonder to hear the unfortunate opinions from our communities whenever a woman reports abuse and the rape of their persons?
How would you feel if the reaction of your family, friends, and community was “We don’t believe you”? You are not even given the benefit of doubt. You are assumed to be the one in error, at fault, or most “crying wolf”. We have many practices that reinforce the “silence of women”.
Women are still not allowed or accepted to give legal evidence in the law courts in many communities and cultures.
Women are not allowed to travel out of their countries without the pre-agreed consent of their husbands, dads, or elderly male family figures in some countries.
Women are still restricted from entering a legal contract without the signatory of a male countersigning the legal document with her in many communities.
Women are told they are ill-informed and ill-equipped if they decide to keep any child who came into being as a result of rape.
The structures around women and our daughters are built to further a negative narrative and they continually tear to shreds the confidence of women and daughters.
Our communities in every sense of the word seek to keep and perpetuate certain practices that silence the unique voices of women and our daughters.
Our respect and assumed knowledge of the abuser
We all grew up learning to believe the best of our family members and friends. We were constantly told and reminded on every occasion that our homes were our safest place, our castle, our stronghold, etc.
We were never questioned about the events that transpired at our various “sleepovers” or “parties”. Everyone in the family and community simply assumed our daughters and women were treated with care and dignity. After all, it was a close family and community event! We are quick to give a thumbs up to such persons in our community or family units.
Unfortunately, that narrative without the attachment of a “truth” qualifier has led to our quick denial and disbelief of any event, like abuse or rape, that is afterward reported. That in itself comes as a shock and surprise and especially when the abusers are revealed. Doubt and unbelief flay up in our thoughts. We subconsciously put up a barrier to their defense without any question.
We are prepared to put our own integrity on the line and swear an oath to believe the words of dad, uncle, father-in-law, and even big brother, etc against the allegations of our daughters or women.
We give our own experiences with the individual in question as proof of their innocence.
We say to anyone who cares to hear:
That cannot be true. I have known him for over 20 years and nothing like this was ever reported about their conduct or behaviour.
He is a deeply religious man, and he will not hurt a “fly”. He was the godfather to the lady in question.
There must be a mistake somewhere. I can vouch for the accused person's character without question. My daughters have had numerous sleepovers at his place and not once did any of my daughters complain to me of any negative incidence by him.
Now, what am I saying?
We are always quick to disbelief our daughters and women whenever they report a case of abuse or rape.
A coin has two sides. While you presume the innocence of the man, do not presume the guilt of the accuser, the woman.
We also take ourselves on a guilt trip. We say we do not want to be responsible for the “ruin” of the abuser’s career or marital life. We tell ourselves that the price is often too “severe” for the accuser to bear for their “mistakes”. How wrong, very wrong we all are.
We are quick to forget the ruined lives, dreams, and aspirations of our daughters and women while contemplating how best to save the abusers.
The burden of proof is placed on the woman, the victim
Our experience growing up was to “test every assertion “ but not in cases of rape or abuse. There is a gentle shift away from easily believing what is reported to having an initial response of “disbelief” and in some cases “indifference”.
Women and our daughters in the cases of abuse and rape have the burden of proof placed on them. Take the recent findings of the UK’s Justice Ministry’s Harms Report which contained this shocking statement " too difficult for victims to prove they have been abused..."
This situation is not peculiar to some elements in the UK’s family courts. It is a common practice in every community.
The burden of proof is constantly placed on women and our daughters.
We hear elected political officials say very degrading things like:
How can we tell she is telling the truth?
Tell everyone, whatever happened is done. Just stop them and call it off.
A decent girl won't roam around at 9 p.m. ... Housework and housekeeping are for girls, not roaming in discos and bars at night doing wrong things, wearing wrong clothes…
A jury could very well conclude that [this rape] is a case of buyer’s remorse.
Many communities insist the woman or daughter show unquestionable proof about her allegations. This however is never applied to the accused to the same extent, degree, or intensity. The default position in our homes and communities is mostly set to insist the onus is on the woman to show undeniable proof of her abuse.
We shy away and mentally switch off our thinking faculties to reason and think through the woman’s accusations. We even go to the extent of saying “ It is foolishness to just believe you” and this is without considering the evidence presented before us.
It is a shame and a smear on our consciences and the integrity of our communities to know that the abuse and rape of women cases rarely ever end in the convictions of the perpetrators/abusers.
Sad “Wolf Criers” like Sarah-Jane Parkinson
Sarah-Jane Parkinson (Canberra, Australia) reminds us of the very worst in a person. She was manipulative, cold-hearted, and simply wicked. Sarah-Jane Parkinson falsely accused her ex-partner of rape, domestic violence and he was charged with 32 counts, all of which were finally found to be false.
Sarah-Jane Parkinson succeeded in ruining her ex-partner's life and family. The family was forced to re-mortgage their house to pay for their son’s legal bill ($300,000). The accused’s father, ex-military personnel for 24 years said he was pushed to suicide by the trauma his son had to go through. The falsely accused mum said that due to the emotional and financial stress of Sarah-Janes false accusation of rape, domestic violence, resulted in the breakdown of her 36 years long marriage.
Sarah-Jane used her understanding of the loopholes in the legal system to ruin the lives of her ex-partner and his family. She is not a lost cause but comes with a caveat "BEWARE".
Now, many will see the above example as a significant reason to pause in our desire to hear and believe women who report rape or abuse. The above situation is an aberration, and it is not the norm. In the UK for example, the Ministry of Justice found in their review of 299 rape cases, that only 3% were attributed as malicious claims in the narrower definition of rape. That is, only 9 out of 299 cases were found to be malicious in intent.
In conclusion, the overriding experiences of women who report the rape or abuse of their persons are true. We must be robust in our approach to root out the clogs that prevent the prosecution and imprisonment of rapists and abusers in our communities.
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