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Women do not report the abuse they suffer in our communities and homes because of their trauma, the shame and blame melted on them, our traditions and religious beliefs, the media, and our “Ostrich” mindset.
I conducted a poll on LinkedIn on the above subject matter.
Question Why do women not report the abuse they suffer?
The results from 272 votes and over 7.400 views were:
Fear, guilt and shame 68%
Religious & traditional belief 4%
Society's expectations 18%
Trauma 10%
Blame, fear, shame, and guilt
Women and daughters are often blamed for the abuse they suffer. For instance, it is not uncommon to hear people pass the following comments about female rape victims:
“It is a ploy by women victims to get back at their old friends when those relationships turn sour”.
“Women are driven by financial rewards and as such, they wait long enough for the most auspicious time to make the most from those they accuse”.
“Women who delay reporting their abuse are self-seekers. They thrive on the feeling of sympathy from the public and media coverage”.
“How could women be so stupid to find themselves alone with persons of questionable character ?” (This is so myopic. Rape happens in family units with dads, uncles, brothers, or older cousins).
“Did they “sellotape “/ glue your mouth from talking. Hope you were paid enough for your silence.”
“She was drunk, inviting, and loud. What else was she expecting to happen to her”.
The above statements are shocking, and they are similar to telling a serial killer “We understand your weaknesses, but your victims should have been more careful” or telling a victim of crime “You should have protected your house with more up to date expensive security gadgets”.
The blame game is a subtle tool that has effectively poisoned the minds of many women and kept them from airing the abuse they suffer.
Women and our daughters constantly hear:
“Women by their actions (dressing, behaviour etc) invite abusers”. Some politicians and elected officials have been heard to say these about female rape victims: “… she was dressed like a 21-year-old prostitute,..”, “'If it's inevitable, just relax and enjoy it.”. These statements are stupid, idiotic and mind-boggling to say the least.
“Women are responsible for childlessness, rape, broken homes, and they constantly use manipulative sexual behaviours to gain favours and promotions”.
“There is no logical reason why any woman will not place the dignity of her person, above her fears, in reporting her abuse. ”.
There is still a lukewarm attitude towards the exploitation of women and our daughters. Many casually accept these ill-informed thoughts about women and our daughters in rape cases:
“Boys will be boys”.
“It’s a mistake and he could not control himself”.
“Women need to understand that men are visual creatures and as such cannot control their passions sometimes”.
“Rape hardly ever happens in the home or close families”.
“Male perpetrators often mistake the friendly signals of female colleagues for sexual intimacy”.
“Men sometimes overextend their sexual reach, and they are often “sincerely” sorry and apologetic afterwards towards their victims”.
This is the atmosphere every woman lives and grew up in as a daughter. This is the oxygen they are forced to breathe into their consciousness from birth. They are not only blamed for their current state but for every occurrence they ever suffered in the hands of their abusers.
How did we as a people come to the place where: honour killings; rape, acid burnings, sex slave, unequal pay, restricted access to education, child marriage, sexualisation of our daughters, denial of family inheritance etc are seen as self-inflicted by women on themselves. And we have the “guts” to question the delay or non-reporting of abuse by women and our daughters.
Our ignorance and shame as a people and community are palpable.
Women have enough lived experiences to know the pain, trauma, maligning media coverage etc they would have to endure and deal with to report their abuse and abusers.
Their fears include:
Fear of exposing and “defaming” the perpetrator's character due to societal/family/religious pressures.
Fear that their family’s name will be dragged to the mud and that their perpetrators will go free.
Fear of reprisal attacks. Many women and their family members have paid with their lives for reporting abuse.
The fear of the financial implication their reporting will have on them and their families. Many women and our daughters have been made bankrupt and even lost their jobs with no future employment prospects in their field of interest.
Hope is an essential element in life but for millions of women; hope has turned to despair. The percentage of abusers who face prison terms for their offences is unfortunately the community’s subtle message to every woman: Keep quiet and suffer in silence.
Women have continuously witnessed “iron-clad” promises collapse. It is no surprise that women and our daughters have rightly tuned off the noises we mistakenly call promises.
The “Ostrich” mindset
This disease: that women are inferior to men; is still prevalent in our communities but it is ignored by most of us. We refuse to look upon the pain; abuse and shame melted upon our daughters in our communities.
We wrap ourselves in our bubble and deny this truth: “Daughters and women are abuse in all communities”. Like the Ostrich, we bury our heads in the sands of time, erroneously assuming that the awful stains and truths about the abuse of women in our homes and communities will wash away with time.
We didn’t need the MeToo movement to unearth the gross abuse of women and our daughters in the entertainment industry.
We didn’t need the UK House of Commons enquiry to look into the shocking statistics of rape and violence towards women and our daughters.
Our daughters are still treated as “waste” in our communities.
We know that in every nation on this planet and space called “Earth”, there is little or no prosecutions of male perpetrators in all rape cases. Shameful!
We continue to mask our injustices to women and our daughters. We camouflage our “rotten” intentions and like wolves in sheep clothing; write up policies and make pledges to change the culture in our workplaces; religious organisations; educational establishments; homes.
Yet, systems are continuously engineered to keep and treat our daughters and women as tools; toys; properties and objects for men in our communities.
Don’t give yourself a pass.
You and I have an “Ostrich” mindset every time we say:
“That does not happen to women in my community”. Your community is global. The recent virus outbreak made that clear.
“Women and daughters have the liberty to pursue and achieve all their dreams without discriminations in my community”. Not true. Underneath the carpet of every community is the abuse of women and our daughters. Do you know it is becoming “out of place or “old school” to take pride in being a woman or daughter in our world today? That is another topic- cancel culture.
“That is history. That kind of abuse no longer happens in my country even if it is still prevalent in other countries”. Please wake up. Abuse of women and our daughters happen in our communities and homes every day.
Let us be humble. Let us admit we don’t know as we should and that we are prepared to make the necessary amends in our homes and communities.
Traditions and Religious beliefs
Billions because of their upbringing, tradition and religious beliefs have had their minds wired to view and treat women as second-class citizens.
In some communities, women are still legally seen and treated as items, owned by their spouses or parents.
Many communities still see women as less worthy than the furniture’s in their homes. Women to them are simply disposable and are subject in all cases to the wimps and caprices of men.
Women have suffered through the years and still suffer gross maltreatments in all communities today.
Take the case of childlessness.
Women have experienced forced separation and divorce; domestic abuse (verbal; psychological and even physical); depression; anxiety and even the shameful “honour killing” of some. Why?
Traditions and even religious beliefs in those communities make women responsible for childlessness in any home.
Ignorance still runs rampant in our homes and communities. Childless women are socially ostracised from family and community events. They are seen as bearers of “negative energy”.
Women still endure ignorant, insensitive, and painful questions like:
When will you give us a grandchild?
Is there anything you are not telling us?
We knew you were never right for our son.
Are you pregnant?
I hope you know the shame this brings to our family.
A child's absence in a home is seen and judged as representative of a family with no true worth or standing in the community or purpose in life. These nosy individuals take no thought for couples who have decided to stay childless for a season of their married life, couples undergoing fertility treatment, couples without the financial purse to care for a new baby.
The list is unending. We consistently create depressing narratives for and about women and yet expect women to be forth and coming about the abuses they suffer at our hands. Absolutely ridiculous and foolish.
Take the case of employment, careers, and training.
As a qualified careers adviser, working in the United Kingdom, it came as a shock to hear people and organisations associate and label certain career fields as fit strictly for men and boys or for women and girls.
It’s changing gradually but many still associate hairdressing and midwifery with been feminine, bricklaying and mechanics with been masculine in the UK.
Many communities still frown at the suggestion of a woman going into university for further studies. They are quick to bring up the woman’s “need” to settle down (get married) and raise children.
To assume that a woman’s primary role in life is to have and raise children is not only ignorant but shameful.
Trauma
We fail to appreciate the role trauma plays in the minds of women and our daughters in their delay or non-reporting of abuse.
Imagine coming unarmed and face to face with a lion in your walk through the park/forest, that initial feeling, which you experience, is still nowhere close to what trauma does to women and daughters who have suffered abuse.
Words cannot adequately describe the state of a woman’s mind, held captive against her will by trauma.
Trauma:
Disempowers and negatively drives a woman’s state of mind to despair.
Causes anxiety and in some cases, trauma subtly suggests “silence” as a positive coping mechanism to address the memory of abuse and the abuser.
Affects the confidence of women victims. It wraps its ugly hands around their hearts and minds. Stealing any ounce of self-esteem or confidence in them.
We must never be quick to judge the silence of women who were abused.
We must never refuse women and our daughters the opportunity to reflect; learn and make their own choices at their own pace when it relates to abuse and their abusers.
Media
Women and our daughters are constantly fed a false and negative narrative about themselves. They are subtly told to:
Think less of themselves as daughters.
Never celebrate their uniqueness as daughters or women as that could offend others.
What a disservice to women and our daughters.
We hear; watch; discuss and even “gossip” about the many atrocities women and our daughters suffer. Yet, we fail to realize that our actions actually accept and judge the abuse of women as pleasant; explainable and excusable.
What are your thoughts when you hear?
A woman had been brutally beaten to death because she “dishonoured” her family.
A young girl was shot point-blank in a bus for daring to go to school against the wishes of some.
Housemaids were abused and treated as slaves.
We see these as simply news items that happen on distant shores. We fail to see these as indicators of the same malaise in our own communities and homes.
We have become accustomed to the ill-treatment of women and our daughters.
What we fail to see are the heart-wrenching stories of threats; abuse; manipulations, and hostilities our daughters and women have to endure in the media and entertainment world.
In conclusion, I say to our daughters and women:
Don’t put a bandage over your abuse or emotional wound.
Never feel guilty for identifying you are being used and abused.
Refuse the shame to feel guilty for falling short of confidence, feeling ill-equipped and burnt-out.
Don’t allow this lie: “things will change, and that you will be better if you just hold on tight and keep quiet” any room in your thought process.
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